DID YOU EVER REALLY WONDER WHY WE HAVE
THANKSGIVING? BET YA DID.
     WELL DIDN'T YOU EVER NOTICE THAT WE EAT ALOT OF
FOOD? ITS THE HOLIDAY WHERE WE STUFF OUR SELVES. I
WONDER WHY....... AND MORE IMPORTANTLY, ARE WE REALLY
THANKFUL. WELL I'LL LET YOU IN ON THE REAL STORY. WE
ALL KNOW THE STORY ABOUT THE PILGRIMS AND INDIANS.
WELL SORRY TO BURST YOUR BUBBLES, BUT THATS WHAT I
CALL CRAP.
     AND THE TRUTH BEGINS..........
    ONE DAY THERE WAS AN EXTREMELY OBESE MAN. HE WAS
CALLED BIG BOB. HE LOVED TO EAT, BUT HIS MOM ALWAYS
NAGGED HIM. SHE WAS STILL PISSED CAUSE HE WAS 40, AND
STILL HADN'T MOVED OUT OF HER BASEMENT. HE ALWAYS
FOUND ANY LITTLE REASON TO EAT.
    HE'D BE LIKE, "HEY MA, YA GONNA EAT THAT, UM I
MEAN I HAVE A HEADACHE. I THINK I SHOULD FINISH YOUR
DONUT, AND I'LL FEEL BETTER."
     SO, BEING THE SLOW BIOTCH THAT SHE IS, SHE FELL
FOR IT. BUT AFTER 30 YEARS SHE WAS SLOWLY CATCHING ON.
ONE DAY BIG BOB DECIDED THAT HE NEEDED A BIG EXCUSE TO
BE A PIG, EVEN IF IT WOULD BE FOR ONE DAY.
    I KNOW, HE THOUGHT, A HOLIDAY FOR FATASSES SUCH AS
MYSELF!
    SO HE BOUGHT 2 GALLONS OF ICECRREAM, AND A 10 FOOT
LONG SUB, AND WENT TO HIS BEDROOM. HE THOUGHT LONG AND
HARD FOR 6 MONTHS THEN HE CAME UP WITH THE PERFECT
IDEA.
    THAT WAS WERE THE WHOLE PILGRIMS AND INDIANS AND
BEING THANKFUL THING COME IN. HE MADE SURE TO BACK UP
HIS STORY. WHAT A CLEVER MAN HE WAS! A DAY WHERE WE
CAN EAT LIKE A PIG UNTIL WE BUST OUR PANTS OPEN AND
PASS OUT ON THE COUCH AND HAVE RELATIONS W/ A GRAVY
BOAT. (WELL AS YOU CAN TELL BIG BOB LATER OMITTED THE
GRAVY BOAT RELATIONS LATER.)
     SO THATS WHERE WE ARE NOW. AND I HAVE STUFF TO
BACK UP MY STORIES. GEE, IF THE PILGRIMS CELEBRATED
THE 1ST THANKSGIVING 300+ YEARS AGO, WHY DIDN'T THEY
MAKE IT A NATIONAL HOLIDAY UNTIL the 1900s HUH? GOT YA
THERE. AND IT MAKES NO SENSE, WHY WOULD THE PILGRIMS
KILL OFF ALL THE INDIANS, EXCEPT FOR LIKE 5, AND EAT
DINNER WITH THEM? SEE, WHO'S GOOD?! SO NOW YOU KNOW
AND HAVE A HAPPY BIG BOB DAY!

THIS HAS BEEN A TWIGGY 2000 PRODUTION
COPYRIGHT 2000
  
THIS WAS WRITTEN BY A PERFECTLY SANE, BUT FUNNY
PERSON.

IF ANYONE HAS BEEN OFFENDED, PLEASE SEND A SELF
ADDRESSED POST CARD TO:
 
IMA OFFENDED PUSSY
100 NO WHERE LANE
NO MANS LAND, ZF 010101

SICK ASS STORIES #5: A HAPPY DAVE MATTHEWLESS WORLD

PROLOGUE: LAST YEAR I MADE 4 STORIES IN A SERIES CALLED SICK ASS STORIES. AS I WAS GOING THROUGH MY SENT FOLDER I FOUND SICK ASS STORY #4. I DECIDED I SHOULD START WRITING THEM AGAIN. SO I HOPE ALL YOU KIDDIES ENJOY.

PROLOGUE 2: BY NOW YOU'RE ASKING YOURSELF, WHAT KINDA DUMBASS HAS TWO PROLOGUES.....WELL I DO! SO IF YOU DONT LIKE IT THEN BITE ME. BACK TO MY INTENT, I THINK DAVE MATTHEWS BAND SUCKS, AND IF YOU ARE A DAVE MATTHEWS BAND FAN RECEIVING THIS, I APOLOGIZE AND I HOPE THERE ARE NO HARD FEELINGS. BUT HE SUCKS, AND I WANT TO BE KNOWN. THANK YOU EVERYONE!

ONE DAY WHILE REYNA WAS IN THE SHOWER CLEANSING HERSELF, DAVE MATTHEWS BAND CAME ON THE RADIO. SHE IMMEDIATELY JUMPED OUT OF THE SHOWER AND TURNED IT OFF. HER SHAMPOO RAN INTO HER EYES, THE STINGING IN HER EYES REPRESENTED HER BURNING HATRED FOR DAVE MATTHEW BAND. WHY DID THEY ALWAYS PUT THAT ON WHILE SHE WAS IN THE SHOWER? SHE WONDERED.....

A FEW DAYS LATER, REYNA AND HER FRIEND CERAH WERE WALKING HOME AFTER SCHOOL. THEY HEARD DAVE MATTHEWS BAND BLASTING FROM A PASSING CAR. THEY BOTH LOOKED AT EACH OTHER AND CURSED HIM.

"I WILL SHOOT HIM IN HIS ABNORMALLY LARGE HEAD." REYNA SAID SOLEMNLY. FROM THEN ON, REYNA AND CERAH FIGURED OUT THE MASTER PLAN..

THEY CALLED IT OPERARTION ASSASSINATE DATHEWS BAND. FIRST, CERAH WOULD FIND A DRUG DEALIN GANGBANGER. (IT MADE MORE SENSE, THE DRUG DEALIN ONES HAVE THE MOST MONEY) SO CERAH WOULD EXCHANGE PLEASURES TO THE DRUG DEALIN GANGBANGER FOR $100 DOLLARS. THEN, THEY WOULD WANDER AROUND EAST WHACKER DRIVE AND PICK A SUITABLE HOBO. (HEY WHY SHOULD THEY GO TO JAIL?!) (BESIDES, THE HOBO WOULD HAVE SOMEWHERE TO SLEEP AND FOOD IN JAIL) ONWARD, FROM THE 100 DOLLARS THEY WOULD GET FROM THE DRUG DEALIN GANGBANGER.50 OF IT WOULD PURCHASE THE CONCERT TICKET10 OF IT WOULD BE USED TO TAKE THE HOBO OUT TO WENDYS FOR DINNER.AND 20 OF IT WILL BE USED FOR A CAB RIDE TO ALLSTATE ARENA.. THEY WOULD THEN SHOW THE HOBO PICTURES OF DAVE MATTHEWS, AND STATISTICS ABOUT HOW BAD THEY SUCK. HOPING THAT THIS HOBO IS ONE OF THOSE CRAZY HOBOS THAT TALKS ABOUT PRAISIN THE LORDAH..THEY WOULD TELL HIM THAT DMB WAS THE ANTICHRIST. THAT WOULD PUMP THE HOBO UP MORE..BACK TO THE DRUG DEALIN GANGBANGER FOR A SECONDTHEY WOULD ALSO GET A SNIPER FROM HIMON THE DAY OF THE CONCERT, REYNA WILL TAPE THE GUN TO THE HOBOS ASS, THAT WHY IT WOULDNT BE FELT WHEN HE GETS FRISKED. THEN THE HOBO WILL MASTERFULLY EXECUTE THE LAST PART OF THE PLAN: THE ASSASSINATION!

THEN WE WILL ALL LIVE HAPPILY EVER AFTER.NO MORE WHINEY VOCALS FROM DAVE MATTHEWS, NO MORE LOOKING AT HIS BIG SWEATY HEAD, AND NO MORE BAD MUSIC! AND THE HOBO FINALLY HAD SOME WHERE TO SLEEP, WHICH WASNT A BOX, BUT A CELL.

 

PROMOS: THIS HAS BEEN A TWIGGY 2000 ART PRODUCTION

ANY QUESTIONS OR COMMENTS OR FOR MORE INFO, EMAIL ME @ MARILYNS_SPOOKYKID2001@YAHOO.COM.

IF YOU WOULD LIKE TO BE A PART OF MY MAILING LIST, REPLY W/ YOUR EMAIL ADDRESS.

I HOPE ALL YOU KIDDIES ENJOYED THIS.THIS IS ONLY THE BEGINNING!!!!

SICK ASS STORIES #6: WHO IS THE REAL ANTICHRIST?

ONE NIGHT, AFTER COMING HOME FROM THE LIBRARY, I BEGAN TO READ ALL THE BOOKS I HAD CHECKED OUT. I WAS LISTENING TO "MR. TANGERINE SPEEDO" BY CAVIAR. ITS A GOOD SONG DAMMIT. OK ANYWAY, BACK TO THE STORY. I THEN NOTICED THIS UNFAMILAR BOOK. IT WAS VERY OLD LOOKING, SO I OPENED IT UP. IT WAS A BOOK ABOUT THE ANTICHRIST. I THOUGHT TO MYSELF, "MEH, JUST ANOTHER BOOK ABOUT SATAN". BUT I WAS WRONG, IT WAS ABOUT NONE OTHER THAN BOB SAGET (FULL HOUSE, AMERICAS FUNNIEST HOME VIDEOS)! NOW IF YOU ARE REALLY SLOW, I WILL REPEAT THAT FOR YOU AGAIN, BOB SAGET IS THE ANTICHRIST! NOW I WAS TRULY IN DISBELIEF. HE SEEMS SO INNOCENT, WITH HIS OLD TEACHER LIKE CLOTHING AND HIS NON-HUMUOROUS JOKES/COMMENTARIES. TEGABOB LLIK. BUT THERE IS NOTHING GOOD HERE, JUST THE BLACKNESS OF HIS DARK EYES, THE HATRED IN HIS HEART, THE SCREAMS FROM THE BOTTOMLESS AND FIRERY DEPTHS OF HELL, OK YOU GET THE POINT.

IF YOU THINK THAT IS SICKENING AND DISTURBING, THATS ONLY HALF OF IT, KIDZ. DAVE MATTHEWS WORSHIPS BOB SAGET (FULL HOUSE, AFV, ANTICHRIST). DAVE AND BOB WATCH NAKED MIDGETS WRESTLING TOGETHER, WHILE EATING FRIED CHICKEN AND DRINKING EACH OTHERS LOVE JUICES. YES, SICKENING I KNOW. SWEHTTAMEVADBATS. WHERE DOES THE EVIL END? I DO NOT KNOW!

WELL THE STORY DOESNT END THERE. MARTHA STEWART (MARTHA STEWART LIVING) IS ALSO INVOLVED IN THIS RING OF EVIL. SURE SHE MAY SEEM INNOCENT, MAKING HER EXTRA SMALL HORSE VOURS WHICH ARE NON EDIBLE, AND HAVING HER RASIST "WHITE" SALES AT KMART. AH!TRAMKMORFELOTSI. BUT SHE IS EVIL TOO, SHE BAKES QROTESQUE MEALS FOR MR. SAGET AND MR. MATTHEWS.

SO, WHERE DOES ALL THE EVIL END? I DO KNOW, FOR I ONLY WRITE THE STORY. BUT WE CAN MAKE IT END. KILL THEM! IF YOU GOT THE SUBLIMINAL MESSEGES I PUT IN HERE, YOU CAN FIND OUT HOW, AND THEN SOME. SO FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO ARE SLOW, YOU CAN GO BACK AND FIND THE SUBLIMINAL MESSAGES! I KNOW I AINT CLASSY, AND I SHO AINT HOLY, BUT I THINK THAT THE EVIL NEEDS TO STOP! SO PLEASE JOIN THE FIGHT AGAINST BOB SAGET!

 

 

PROMOS: THIS HAS BEEN A TWIGGYART 2000 PRODUCTION!

ACKNOWLEDGEMENT: JESSENIA, FOR THE LOVE JUICES BITME LOVE YOU LONG TIME!

MAILING LIST: IF YOUD LIKE TO BE A PART OF THE SICK ASS STORIES MAILING LIST, PLEASE JUST REPLY BACK. IF YOU ARE RECEIVING THIS AS A FORWARD, JUST EMAIL ME @ MARILYNS_SPOOKYKID2001@YAHOO.COM IF YOU ALSO HAVE ANY QUESTIONS, COMMENTS OR IDEAS FEEL FREE TO EMAIL ME, UNLESS ITS HATE MAIL. I DONT LIKE HATE MAIL. ANYWAYS, IF YOU WOULD LIKE ANY PREVIOUS SICK ASS STORIES EMAIL ME, UNFORTUNATELY, I ONLY HAVE STORIES #3-#6. THANK YOU ALL AGAIN! SUPPORT THE SICKNESS! FEEL FREE TO FORWARD DUDE!

THE END

OK QUIT READIN I SAID IT WAS THE END!

Sick Ass Stories # 7: A Day With President Bush

It was a hot July day, and I was stuck inside the house all day. I had been watching a M*A*S*H* marathon all day. Suddenly, an interesting commercial came on. "How would you, the average American Joe, care to spend a day with our president George Bush?!" the commercial said excitedly. Was this a rhetorical question? Was the question I just asked you a rhetorical question? How about that one? Okay, well back to my story. I thought, yes! Yes, indeed I would enjoy a day with Mr. Bush immensely! According to the commercial, you had to buy a Bush Bar. These were new chocolate bars. They were quite tasty, they were made with milk chocolate and almonds. And if your Bush Bar contained the Golden Ticket, you would win an eventful day with Mr. Bush himself. So, that following evening I made a trip to Aldi. Everyone loves Aldi!!!! Okay, well I bought a case of Bush Bars. And to get on with this story, I got the Bush Bar with the golden ticket! I was ever so joyous!

Well, the next step in this venture was to find an appropriate outfit. First, I got my Kohlz on [insert phat Missy Elliot beats]. I tried on a few dresses. I decided to come back later. I wanted to wear an outfit that was Georges style. So, to make a long story short, I ended up wearing my old Chicago Bulls Three-peat shirt and some Lee Dungerees. And of course my Sketchers! This was definitely Big George Style.

Around 6 a.m. that morning (September 8, 2003), I was picked up by a private jet and taken to meet good ol George. I had talked to him ahead of time, and we both agreed to meet at Hooters in Austin, Texas for brunch. I preferred the Applebees, but seeing as he is the president of the most powerful nation in the world, I agreed to Hooters. You know, their spicy shrimp is just marvelous, I mean ok, back to the stizory.

I arrived in the Hooters parking lot, around 10 a.m. Good Ol George was already there and greeted me.

George said, "Well hullo there, young miss, aint you purty."

"Yes, yes I am Purty! Well actually my name is Jamie!" I replied.

"Well its good to meet you, Jamie, now lets go get our max on, Im hungry as a mofo." George responded.

So, we maxed all up in the Hooters. It was mighty tasty. We had such great food and service. So, If youre ever in Austin, Texas, visit Jessenia workin at the Hooters, she givesOh yeah I was tellin a story. So anyway, we enjoyed our brunch. We discussed such topics as "Elmo is the most important character in Sesame Street", though I debated it was the Cookie Monster, "Troy McGiver and Colin McGiver on One Life to Live is really the same person, not long lost twins" , and we both had mixed feelings on abortion, he said, "Hey they spread em once, they can do it again." I replied, "Well mister George sir, I suppose youre right there, but they should have a choice." It was a grand conversation. I also learned that he enjoys quilts, Clifford the Big Red Dog, and malt liquor (preferably Colt 45).

After our lovely brunch, we headed out to the Austin Zoo. It really consisted of a couple horses, chickens, a bowl of fish, and a vagrant hobo. I actually made the mistake of giving the hobo my coffee, which did not sober him up. It made him an alert drunk, then he tried to attack George. Unfortunately, the hobo was rabid and bit George in the ankle. I told George to go get it checked out but he insisted on not going, seeing as he had no health care coverage.

After that ordeal, we went to see a movie. The only decent movie that was showing at the time was Snow Dogs. Id say the acting in this film was pretty mediocre and should not win any Oscars! George kept gigglin and eating lots of popcorn. I later discovered he had snuck his bong in the theater. And by that time, it was 4:20.

Finally, we went out to fine dining at Joes Crab Shack. Unfortunately, our server, Lelani was very rude, and threatened George that she would, "buck yo teef in". So after crabs, I mean the kind in the water. I mean, nevermind you sick bastards.

After we maxed up at Joes Crab Shack, we said our final goodbyes, and I boarded the private jet and left for home. Since then, I think George is a great guy, and a damn good president. He had shown me the greatest time in my life! I just want to thank him! I love you mister Bush sir! P.S. When are you gonna give me back my Beavis and Butthead Tapes?!

THE END!!!!!!